Dis Piggy Made Her House Outta MOM YOU SUCK

I turned six earlier dis year.  Which mean I'm basically a grown-ass woman n shit.  So, like, this Halloween I was thinking, hey, like no need to be all crazy or nothing.  I could go for jus' stayin' in, makin' fun of Chester, maybe tryin' to attack some little kids who is stupid enough to come up to our door.  But freakin' Mom had other plans.  Thas' right, holmes.  Once AGAIN, this bitch got brutalized on a holiday. 

Halloween 2011

Now, I don't gotta think back real far to remember some bad dress-up moves on Mom's part. 

Christmas 2010

 But this piggy costume was honestly worse than that freakin' Mrs. Claus vomit rag.  Not to freakin' mention, if anyone is a piggy in dis family, the (only) person it ain't is me!  (Mom says I got a good metabolism.  I says that's true if by good metabolism she mean that I don't eat my bowl, eat a second bowl, and then say I need somethin' sweet.  Just sayin'.)

Anyways, this lil piggy wasn't gonna eat Mom's crazy this time, so man, dude, I was gettin' outta that costume like Dad gets outta doing the dishes.  At one point Mom had it knotted, safety-pinned and shit if I didn't run past her big ass (oh, your ass wasn't stuffed?  weird) a few minutes later with that pig cloth flappin' behind me like a scarf.  Holla!  Can't keep this bitch down!  Mom kept sayin', Just one night, Stella.  I know, I know.  But know what?  It ain't just one night, honky!  And if you really knowed, you wouldn't keep playin' me like this! 

Jeez.  Halloween 2011 was maybe as bad as Halloween 2009 when freakin Yankee lived at our house for 4 days AND took a giant poo on the front steps that all the party guests stepped in. 

But Halloween wasn't ovah after the "party" on Saturday night.  On Monday Mom got home and then called Dad all like, Hey where is the dog's Halloween shirts?  Even though she hadn't actually looked at all.  And Dad didn't know and asked if she had looked and she said yes of course.  Then she got off da phone 'n actually looked.  And she found 'em.  Mom called Dad back 'n said she was takin' us trick-or-treatin'.  Dad said, Really?  And Mom said yes.  But the only treats either of us got was butt-breath Molester Chester eatin' some weeks-old Dorito crumbs off da sidewalk.

I Hate Mom 2011

Peace out. 

Bye Bye Baby

Yeah, so yesterday was really annoying because Mom took us out for a walk toward Elysian - which woulda been AWESOME - but instead we went to Blue Collar - which could still be cool -- but then it wasn't cool at all cuz it turns out she was there to get big ears Glen a collar n leash AND A TOY!  I was real freakin annoyed so when another dog came in the store, I totally started it and the dog returned fire and Mom said, Hey Hey Hey like she was a character on the kind of sitcom barf-breath brother watches.  I think even Cheesedoor was startin' to get fed up cuz he lifted his leg n peed on a display of leashes.  Man, that kinda made it worth it!  Seein' Mom's face all shocked n fat at that.

Anyways, so then like, late that night Mom tells Dad, I'm going to bed even though we just watched the first part of a two part Dateline ID and I didn't tell you it was two-part but I'm going to bed anyway and I suck so bad.  But then her phone rings.  And it's Joanne.  Glen's mom.  N then Mom was real quiet.  N then Mom got off the phone and was upset like when she's out of food but maybe even more than that.  N then Mom n Dad left with Glen and came back without Glen.

And it turns out that Glen lives in some trailer with an unstable mom who is maybe an alcoholic and possibly an actual animal hoarder n Mom n Dad was sad and kept sayin' they disappointed but the way they say it seems like different than when Mom says she disappointed at Chester for eating live hermit crabs at the beach.

And it turns out Glen's name is Baby.  Even though when Mom n Dad tried calling him that he didn't really respond.

Someone Better Call Dat Show Animal Hoarders.

Mom n Dad has come home with some stupid stuff over the years -- loser pictures to cover every inch of wall space (why?  but seriously why?), flowers for the garden that is beggin' for a trampling, obviously Chester.  Not even gonna bother mentioning the cats because JEEEZ. 

But last week Dad came home with the stupidist thing yet.  A dog.  Yeah, that's right.  This bitch doesn't make typos.  Word has it this crazy mofo was running in 'n outta traffic on Glendale Blvd.  And for some reason Dad felt compelled to pick him up.  And bring him home.

Turns out this ugly little fool (AND NO, HE DO NOT LOOK LIKE ME!) has a microchip but the phone number for "Joanne" was disconnected.  And according to their info Joanne had an address like way far away (further than Griffith, and maybe further than Runyon) so prolly this Joanne didn't even have him at the time of his dancin' in the street.

Anyways, the next day we all went on the most ANNOYING walk ever and put up these signs everywhere...

But no one is callin.  Prolly cuz he sucks. 

Anyway, Mom n Dad claims they are looking for a good home but 'pparently the open road ain't good enough cuz a week later his ass is still in MY BED and MY CRATE and gettin' kisses from MY MOM n using MY COLLAR N LEASH (ok it's Chesturd's collar n leash but everything that's Chestard's is actually mine so...)

I thought for sure he'd be outta here after this weekend, when he gave everyone FLEAS n Mom was outta town and Dad had to deal with it by himself.  "But I don't know where to put the frontline because you always do it!!!  They need different kinds!?!  Baths!?!  I was supposed to fix my caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!"

Anyways, somebody better call to collect this dufus quick cuz I seen the way Mom is lookin' at the dog (like she wants to eat him faster than her enormous dinner) and Dad already named him.  Glen.  His name is Glen and he needs a home that isn't mine. 

Peace. 

One Year Closer to Death

That is what I keep re-suring myself after da cats had their stooopid one years down (10ish to go -- hopefully LESS) birthday.  Luckily Mom didn't do anything crazy like throw a party to "celebrate" but I was still forced to endure a trip to Blue Collar that was exclusively for buying presents for the fur sluts.  I was like, Why am I here and Mom's not gettin' anything for ME?  I have never gone to Blue Collar (best store EVER) and left with nothin' in the bag for Stell.  I asked Mom how would she like it if she had to go to her favorite store, (probably the grocery store because she loves trying on different kinds of fat) and didn't get anything. 

The thing that kill me about these cats is how little they add to the world.  They don't speak any English and they poop in a box.   I been thinkin' a lot about this shit 'n these are the only positives I can come up with about these catssholes:
1)   They eat Chester's food.
2)  They play with Chester's tail.  Sometimes violently. 
3)  They are extremely dumb so the odds a' them accidentally killing themselves is pretty good.
4)   The older they get, the uglier they be, so by age three or so they should be so hideous Mom will stop lovin' them.

Yeah, that's about it for the pluses.  And I was bein' real generous with number four cuz truly they was born too ugly to be loved.  Happy Birthday, Shittens.  Hope it's the last time I gotta say it. 

In other news, Chester peed on a yardsale today. 

This Bitch is Back Like Mom's Gut

Whoa.  Where da F has this bitch been at?  Well, to be straight wid you, da past year has been a lot of the same crap except when things got worse.  Pacifically, I'm talking about Mom n Dad bringin' in Eden and Vegas, the FML dander farts that have ruined my life and have made me (almost) appreciate tard-bro cuz at least he's too mentally disabled to be a complete jerk.  So you can get a sense of how much they SUCK here is some (old) photos of their sorry selves:  Eden snoozing like a poop-wad in MY toys and Vegas passed out like some fugly fur frog on MY gold chair. 

UGH.  I hate to even acknowledge them in this blog.  It is really hard to believe that I have been forced to endure their offensiveness for almost a whole year.  What really blows my mind in a bad way is that mom n dad is both allergic!  But mom was like, "What's good about kittens is that your immune system grows as they do."  N Dad agreed cause does he really have the option of disagreeing with that tyrant?  Unfortunately it was only about a month before mom's gaping pig nose did indeed stop running.  Dang, dude.  What about ME bein' allergic.  I dry heave just from seeing Dad pet them. 

Another thing that sucked harder than mom sucks down Diet Dr. Pepper is that mom n dad is both working "full time" now which feels a lot more like "all the time."  Does anybody know what it's like to spend 9 hours straight trapped in the bedroom with THIS?!

All day long it's "Where does the water and blanket make it later?"  and  "Stella do you think the when I happen at salmon tonight?"  The only thing that keeps me from chewing my ears off just for a frickin break from the verbal chesspool is knowing that out in the rest of the house is Eatme and Veg-ass so it could be worse. 

Peace, honkies.  You'll be hearing more from this ho.    

The only Nashorn in LA

shit, man.  what a crazy freaking couple of weeks.  not gonna lie, most of it has sucked.  for example, the above pictures which prove that mom has a serious mental problem.  ugh!  embarrassing!  to be honest, when mom and dad ditched our asses and went to Mexico it was probably the best part of the ordeal.  it was nice to not hear mom's constant "Do the dishes!  I suck!" and dad's obnoxious machine gun laugh for a few days.  JEEZ.  although it was pretty f-ing rude n shit when we received their postcard.  it was a picture of some stupid nightclub, Squid Roe, and they had written (well, clearly Mom had written since it was barely legible and I had to wait til Mom and Dad came home to have it deciphered) something along the lines of "This place is filled with loud music and strangers.  You'd hate it.  It's good you aren't here."  I mean, seriously?  What the F.  I hate you both more than any stranger.

Anyway, things are mostly back to normal around here:  Dad drinking all the beers and Mom grubbin on so much food it's no wonder she chipped her tooth on a fork -- the food is eaten off the fork, not along with it, JEEZ.  Peace, hos.  gansta love, Stella Nashorn          

The Doodle's 4th Freakin Bday

Yo so this weekend me and cheesedork went to Oscar's birthday in Runyon Canyon.  He is not very original with da venues -- as you may remember our fog friend had his birthday there last year.  Anyways, it was a pretty cool scene.  What was extra fun was that mom was playin with me -- throwin the ball for me to chase.  But after a while this bitch was mad tired -- it was 80 degrees n I was damn hot underneath my bad ass fur coat.  So I laid myself down in the grass in the hill with the ball -- so as I could be sure everybody was stayin in line and so I could make sure nobody else got to play with my shit.  Anyways, what do you know but some fat ass never get hiked pup starts heading over to my turf.  So, you know, I just kinda flashed my teeth, like the International code for PRIVATE PROPERTY, BIZNITCH BACK YO ASS UP.  So I don't know if this ho be blind or dumb or chester, but she kept on coming toward my valuable goods:  THE BALL.  So I had to lay the shit down!!!!  I chased her ass back down the hill and yeah, that's right, I gave her a little bite on the side, too.  Not to hurt her.  Just to say, Yo.  Stella wuz here.  

Anyway, after that shit Mom was not too pleased.  She had a face like when she catches Dad napping when he is supposed to be washing the dishes.  She scolded me in front of my friends and ran around collecting all the other balls and putting them away where I couldn't protect them.  And when it was time to cut the dog cake, Mom said loudly for everybody to hear, I don't think you deserve any dog cake, Stella.  But she gave it to me anyway because I think she felt bad depriving me of food that I actually need while she was shoveling in the Funfetti cupcakes and artichoke dip and onion dip and tortilla chips and brownies and, of course, Diet Coke.  

After the party we went to Griffith but Chester was so tired from bein in the sun and eating food and wandering away at Doodle's party that Mom had to carry him for part of the trail. 

 If you wanna see this bitch in action, click on da link below:

Stella Video!