Dis Piggy Made Her House Outta MOM YOU SUCK

I turned six earlier dis year.  Which mean I'm basically a grown-ass woman n shit.  So, like, this Halloween I was thinking, hey, like no need to be all crazy or nothing.  I could go for jus' stayin' in, makin' fun of Chester, maybe tryin' to attack some little kids who is stupid enough to come up to our door.  But freakin' Mom had other plans.  Thas' right, holmes.  Once AGAIN, this bitch got brutalized on a holiday. 

Halloween 2011

Now, I don't gotta think back real far to remember some bad dress-up moves on Mom's part. 

Christmas 2010

 But this piggy costume was honestly worse than that freakin' Mrs. Claus vomit rag.  Not to freakin' mention, if anyone is a piggy in dis family, the (only) person it ain't is me!  (Mom says I got a good metabolism.  I says that's true if by good metabolism she mean that I don't eat my bowl, eat a second bowl, and then say I need somethin' sweet.  Just sayin'.)

Anyways, this lil piggy wasn't gonna eat Mom's crazy this time, so man, dude, I was gettin' outta that costume like Dad gets outta doing the dishes.  At one point Mom had it knotted, safety-pinned and shit if I didn't run past her big ass (oh, your ass wasn't stuffed?  weird) a few minutes later with that pig cloth flappin' behind me like a scarf.  Holla!  Can't keep this bitch down!  Mom kept sayin', Just one night, Stella.  I know, I know.  But know what?  It ain't just one night, honky!  And if you really knowed, you wouldn't keep playin' me like this! 

Jeez.  Halloween 2011 was maybe as bad as Halloween 2009 when freakin Yankee lived at our house for 4 days AND took a giant poo on the front steps that all the party guests stepped in. 

But Halloween wasn't ovah after the "party" on Saturday night.  On Monday Mom got home and then called Dad all like, Hey where is the dog's Halloween shirts?  Even though she hadn't actually looked at all.  And Dad didn't know and asked if she had looked and she said yes of course.  Then she got off da phone 'n actually looked.  And she found 'em.  Mom called Dad back 'n said she was takin' us trick-or-treatin'.  Dad said, Really?  And Mom said yes.  But the only treats either of us got was butt-breath Molester Chester eatin' some weeks-old Dorito crumbs off da sidewalk.

I Hate Mom 2011

Peace out.