Yo, This Weather is F-ed Up

Dude, I am, like, seriously losing my mind. It has been mad rainy for the last few days n I am totally over this shit. I am extra pissed at Mom cuz yesterday it was beautiful weather and I was like, Yo, let's hook it up and go hike Elysian or Griffith or some shit. N Mom went to the gym instead! (What was extra f-ed up was that she used the same bag for the gym as she use when we go to the park so I was like, SCORE and then I was like... WTF?! Whore!) To pass the time TRAPPED INSIDE I have been super bratty with Chester mostly cuz he sucks and I hate him. I am also making sure to jump up on Mom with my wet paws until she yells "OFF STELLA OFF" a few times. I also wiped my dirty feets on the bed. Take that, biotch! You make your bed o lies, now sleep in that shit!

Kind Of Almost Okay Mom

Mom told me yesterday that I am gettin' a few days break from my Gentle Leader because she don't want an ugly DENT in my nose for "pictures." I don't really give a flying Chester about da dent but damn, yo, I feels like I just broke outta juvie not havin to wear that gay ass Gentle Leader. I've been showing Mom I don't need that shit anyway but draggin' her ass everywhere we go, launchin myself at cats n birds n anything that moves. If I keep it up maybe I never need it again! The one thing I am kinda nervous about is what she talking about pictures. Last couple years have been real annoying posing for that shit. Plus this year I saw Mom showing Dad some flyer about Dogs and Santa and Dad said, Hell No I'm not taking her to that. But Mom was like, Fine, YOU don't have to whatever! She had that determined look that she gets when she's eating so I'm kinda a scared bitch. I just hope my Mom knows better than to think I could handle some f-ing stranger dressed up in a big ass costume touchin me n askin' what I want for Christmas. (In case you is interested, I want the same thing as I asked for last year and didn't get: My own bedroom. Oh and Chester back at North Central. And also a kitten. That's it! JEEZ!)

No Fun Mom

Generally speaking, me n Salchicha don't see eye to eye. For example, the other day he got himself caught in a bush.

But yesterday Mom took me and Mongo to da park and it just so happens that we had the same idea. This is how it went down:

There was this big ole pack of ugly-ass dogs running toward us. So I did a lil jog up the hill to get outta their way n little-brother-I-never-wanted followed me. But while we was up da hill... something caught our eye. And that something was poop.

Around this time Mom was starting to call us back to her. But you know what, dog? That shit be calling my name too!

Chester stuffed his ugly mug with the goods, while I was feeling more like a good roll. (Okay, fine, I took a nibble myself.) Mom's calling was gettin more and more ANNOYING so finally me n Silver Dollar jogged on back.

Mom was NOT happy to smell us coming. She was like, "Are you kidding?!" (Ummm, no.) I'm also pretty sure I heard her call us "assholes" which is mad f-ed up, unless she was talking about Chestool's ginormous butt-hole.

When we got back to the house, Mom dragged us into the bathroom before we could even say hi to Dad and Peluso. And she gave us each a not so gentle bath. What was even more offensive than the bath were the obnoxious notes plus-size Yankee kept slipping under the door asking us to save him the bath water and asking if I took it or left it (a reference to da super retarded classes I used to haveta take for "manners.")

All in all, I learned a valuable lesson: If no fun is your goal, Mom n Chesturd are da perfect pair.

Havin a BALL

Yo fool. Even a rough n tumble street bitch like me needs to unwind sometimes. N while Mom n Dad find comfort in booze and fast food, this ho keeps it real. Kickin back by kickin a ball.

Check it:

White Trashed

Crazy has a name. And that name is STEVE.

Uncle Ano and Aunt Becca's autistic puppy was supposed to stay with us til Saturday.

He left on Wednesday.

Things started off pretty cool. We was playin n wrestlin n shit. N I kinda liked the fact that Steve was like bumping into tables n walls like he didn't even notice.

Me n Steve even went to Elysian together with Mom so that was cool -- especially since Chester had to stay home. SUCKER!

But things went downhill. While Mom was out picking Dad up, Steve ate the bedskirt. Then, while I was eating my DINNER that honky stuck his stupid pink nose in my bowl. Man, I laid the smack down on his ass. Dad said, He's just a puppy, Stella! But Mom took my side.

But later, Mom was gonna stuff her wide gaping mouth with food and I seen Steve walk over to where she was at n I was like "BACK THE F OFF, GRINGO!" And Mom didn't take my side.

So that night Mom put Steve in da crate but whitey wasn't havin' none of that. Even though he'd been passed out for hours before, he wouldn't chillax. So Mom made Dad push the crate into the hall. And then the bar holding all Mom n Dad's clothes fell down. And Mom was pissed. And Steve was still freakin out in the crate. So then Mom made Dad carry the crate to the kitchen cuz of course it's all about making Mom comfortable. And Dad was like, He's gonna keep up the neighbors and Mom was like, Just close the windows.

But then Dad was worried and we could still hear Steve crying and Dad felt bad. Mom said, Let him cry it out! But Dad won for once. So then they let him out and then he peed all over the floor.... and my bed. That's right, bitches. This is the second time MY BED has gotten jacked up by some visiting punk. (The first time bein' when fat camp Yankee had a 'rrhea disaster.)

Mom n Dad felt really bad about returning Steve to Becca's animal clinic to get boarded there but this was one time that me n short bus agreed on something. Though I think the only reason Chester didn't like Steve is cuz Chester likes being the numero uno dumb ass and Steve was tough competition.

Bad Things Happen in Threes

Wow does my life freaking suck. This past weekend was bader than usual for the following reasons: 1) Peluso dropped off his tard baby for five freaking days. Highlights include Yankee being an asshole to me, stealing my moose, and transforming our delicious water bowl into 75% spittle and 25% ewwww. 2) The Raiders lost 38-0. What the freak, Darrius Heyward Bey! 3) We got attacked at the park by some crazy f-ing german shepard. Now, some of you might know that about a year ago my ass got jumped by a renegade shepard while I was walkin' in the neighborhood and that mofo tore me up! (My fur grew back and I have moved on but Dad is still traumatized.) Well, this time, me n Mom n Holly n Tiger n Butthead was walking in Elysian. And up ahead we hear this commotion. And I was like, I'm in, yo! But Mom n Holly was like, Let's put them on leashes. So we was walking by and this guy is holding back this HUGE freakin' shepard who is up on his hind legs freakin out on our asses. So I was like, Yo, what you gonna do, BIOTCH. And Mom was like, Leave it! But then, just as we passed, the shepard's collar up n BROKE and that crazy freak came charging at us. N Mom went street on his ass. Damn, yo. She was straight up Eastside. Screamin "GET YOUR BLANKING DOG GET YOUR BLANKING DOG" over n over while her n Holly kicked him n I showed him my teeth n Chester cried n tried to run away but he was on the leash so it didn't work out so good. Finally those chump owners got their dog... and then the collar broke again! And that psycho was back on the attack! I thought Mom was gonna freakin lose it, specially when the dog went in for Chester and BIT him on the back. (That is MY JOB, holmes!!!) The owners got the shepard but Mom was still yellin' and the owner guy was lookin' all annoyed and was like "Calm down" and Mom was like "BLANK YOU YOUR BLANKING DOG BIT MY BLANKING DOG BLANK YOU!" But then we just ran away cuz that shepard was still bein' crazy. And Mom checked out poop-for-brains and discovered that the shepard hadn't broken his thick skin and he was even waggin' his stupid tail. And Mom's finger turned all black n blue from the leash or some shit n she is showin' it off like a gang tattoo.

Football No-Fun-day

So this past week has kinda really sucked for me and it's all because my dad was raised to root for a crappy team. I'm a Raiders fan, through n through, and that's cuz we are freakin' badasses.

N last Sunday was awesome cuz we freakin' showed those dog killa Eagles, yo. But, of course, my celebration was cut short. Because at the same time as my homies was laying the smack down, the Jets was shittin the bed like the time Yankee shit my bed that one time and never replaced it. So Dad packed up all his Jets stuff and covered Chester's Jets food bowl with masking tape -- He wanted to throw it out but Mom reminded him of how long it took to convince Chester it was okay to eat out of that bowl and made him keep it. Most rude of all was that Dad packed away MY RAIDERS JERSEY. He told Mom, It's not funny anymore! I was like WTF? When was it ever funny? It's AWESOME. I got a Charles Woodson jersey and I rock that shit every Sunday. All I can say is, guess who's playing this Sunday, fool? JETS VS RAIDERS. And it's not gonna be pretty. For the Jets.