Coyotes Isn't Just For Smuggling Mexicans

Today Mom and me went to the park just us which was AwEsOme! Except towards the end of the hike this guy passes us and goes, "There's a coyote up ahead. You may wanna leash your dog." And Mom was like, "Stell! Get over here now!" Cuz I was runnin' like a wild bitch who hasn't gotten a hike in FOREVER because I hadn't gotten a hike in forever. Anyways, I suffer the indignity of bein' on my freakin' leash and we keep walking for a bit and Mom's like, "I don't see anything, Stella." But as soon as she said that of course we saw it. Now usually these coyotes is some oogly-ass scrawny mofos that get all scared soon as they see my big fat mom walking over. But this one was pretty sturdy lookin', prolly my size. And this creep was just looking right at us, even when Mom tried to act tough and front like she was gonna attack (HA that's so funny I forget to laugh.) Since Mom's antics wasn't doin' nothing I started to turn on the gansta and I was like, "YO, you got a starin' problem, buddy?" and "Take a picture it'll last longer, chump!" And "MOM! Stop tightening my leash so freakin' short. JEEZ." Then Mom picks up a stick for God's knows why. But she don't move and she wouldn't let me get away to school that freak so we're just standing there like a couple of Chesters. Finally this dude comes jogging along and sees the staring contest and he's like, "I'll scare it away" and he runs down and yells and claps his hands and that dumb ass coyote skitters off and Mom ran us down to the parking lot. I wanted Mom to wait while I gave that peeping tom a taste of the East side, but Mom said, "Get in the car, Stella."

Back to School Sucking

Because Mom sucks, today we went to "Advanced" training classes. Basically, Mom thought it would be fun to torture me for her own amusement. The teacher seriously brought up getting her dog to go into the fridge and get a beer. WTF! You got a problem with your chubby legs? JEEZ! But the main part of today's ass I mean class okay I really did mean ass was to respond to some f-ing "clicker." Some of the other tard dogs in the class were all about touching their freakin nose to a popcicle stick for a click and a treat. Not this bitch! That clicker was seriously f-ed up. After a few loud clicks near my face for some measily hot dog bits I was like, peace, yo. I stopped even looking at Mom. Mom told the teacher I was scared of the clicker. Lezle said keep trying. By now I was heading back to the car. Finally Lezle asked Mom if she could make a clicking noise with her mouth. Apparently, Mom's face fat is good for more than eating. Lezle complimented Mom on being able to make a loud clicking sound. Way to go, Mom. You are an asshole.

Keepin' My Mother Freakin' Name

Yo listen up. Maybe you folks is heard the news that my parents are gonna get married so that me n Chester aren't bastard children no more. But no matter what stupid last name mama gets, I want you all to be clear: This bitch is Stella Nashorn to the mother-freakin' end, dude. Also, I would just like to say -- for the freakin' record -- that when dad was acting the tard today, down on one knee, dealing with mom's hysterical shite -- that me n Chester was chillin on the couch and didn't even look up when that bs was going down. You know why, holmes? Well, Chester didn't react cuz he's retarded. (Kinda a trick question.) But I didn't say nothin' cuz who's really surprised by this "news"? I mean, who the heck else gonna marry these fools? The best/only good part of the day was when Becca came over and hooked my ass up with some pizza. Mom didn't give me any of the goods cuz she was busy feeding herself. (Go ahead, Mom. Stuff your hole with pizza, ice cream and beers. I'm sure they make some great wedding mumus.)

Happy Birthday to Me, Bitches!

Hola Gringos. Today is the anniversary of me gettin' a freakin' mom. And in keeping with tradition, my parents are ditching my ass. That's right, for the second time in three years they are leaving town on my birthday. They did take me for a birthday walk sans ass-face. It was appreciated. Though it was not appreciated that Mom proceeded to talk on da phone for half an hour and after she got off Dad was like, "Wow. thought we were going on a birthday walk." And Mom was like, "Sorry!" and Dad was like, "It's okay." But it didnt seem okay. And I had to agree with him that Mom sucks.

That's Right, Bitches!

I'm back on da BOOK! Here's the email I got this morning: Hi, Your account was mistakenly suspended due to an error by Facebook's site security system. We sincerely apologize for this inconvenience. We have reactivated your account and you will now be able to log in. Thanks for your understanding, The Facebook Team Looks like I fought da law and schooled that mofo! Oh man. I feel so giddy right now I could lick the inside of Chester's mouth. Hold on. Okay I'm back. That tasted like shit, yo. Probably horse shit. Maybe his own. You never know with that salchicha. Anyway, I am really psyched to be back, though slightly disappointed all I got was that shitty form letter when I put so much time n thought and freakin' FEELING into my letter to those honkies.

An Open Letter to Facebook.

After my recent expulsion from da joys of facebooking, I sent this email to Facebook. (mom told me I should try to clean up my potty mouth since this is a "professional" letter. I asked mom if wearing a tube top to work is similarly "professional.") This is my email: Dear Facebook, Yo wuzzup. I hope you are doing good. I am not doing good. The reason I am not doing good is cuz the other day I tried to log on to my dope-butt account and got a crazy-butt message that I was "disabled." Now first of all, my brother chester is disabled so I was personally offended you be using that word. You should change it to say, Account has been retarded. Next of alls, what the F! I freakin' love Facebook. I use that shoot everyday to connect and share with da peeps in my life. Then I got to thinking you are discriminating against me cuz I'm black. Well, that's f-ed up, yo! Damn right I grew up in East LA and lived da gangsta life but I've been a good bitch, mostly, in a good home, mostly, for going on 3 years. Holla! I hope you will make my account unretarded soon. Myspace sucks testes. Peace out, Stella Nashorn

Assbook

I just tried to log onto Facebook and got this f-ed up message:

Apparently my account has been "disabled." So all I can say to you, ASSBOOK, is that if we ever meet on da streets of LA I will DISABLE you, fucker!!!!

At least I still have myspace: myspace.com/lil_blak_dog_w_no_manners