Snowbitch

This past weekend, Mom n Dad took me n Ches-durr to Big Bear.  I had gone up a couple years ago n seen this pile of kinda cold white stuff but didn't really know what that shit was.  Well, this time I really got to experience it n it turns out I LOVE THE FREAKIN SNOW.  There was several feet on da ground and it was crazy, yo.  I didn't want to come inside.  I just wanted to run around like a mad bitch. 

The weekend was really fun overall.  Even Yankee wasn't as much of a douche nozzle as he usually is.  Maybe that fall down the icy stairs (DORK) knocked some sense into him.  Plus it was also cool that Cheesedoor is a pussy and was scared n cold in the snow so mostly me n mom was just chillin.  N by chillin I mean biting at her retarded space suit I mean snow suit and attackin her ass every time she tried to make one of her loser "snow angels."  

Sorry Bitches

Yo. I am mad sorry that my mom sucks. Basically her stubborn ass refuses to get a Mac so big f-ing surprise her computer got a virus so my ass aint been able to get to the bloggin. Anyways, not a ton new to report these days. Christmas was okay. At least me n re-re got to stay in our own house and terrorize da caretakers. Mom n Dad came home without a single present for me or Special Ed. Well, unless you count Tiger n I sure don't cuz that crazy mofo ate Mom n Dad's featherbed plus peed inside four times. Three times on the floor and one time on Mom. (That was mad funny, yo! When he did that shit Mom's face was like her face only uglier than usual.) One good thing that happened is that my grandparents sent me a kick ass present. A NEW BED to replace the bed that Steve peed on which was a replacement from when Yankee rrhea-ed on the bed before that. The bed before that fell apart in the wash. But I gots high hopes for this new bed! It has my mother-freakin name on it so nobody's allowed to get on it except me. And Dumbass if he feels like gettin his face eaten, which is often, apparently. Anyway, that's about it for the life n times of Stella. Oh, I also figured out how to put the windows down in Mom's car, which was extra handy when I wanted to emphasize my point to a passing motorcyclist. But freakin' Mom didn't like that shit too much so now her craptastic ass been locking the windows. What da F.

Yo, This Weather is F-ed Up

Dude, I am, like, seriously losing my mind. It has been mad rainy for the last few days n I am totally over this shit. I am extra pissed at Mom cuz yesterday it was beautiful weather and I was like, Yo, let's hook it up and go hike Elysian or Griffith or some shit. N Mom went to the gym instead! (What was extra f-ed up was that she used the same bag for the gym as she use when we go to the park so I was like, SCORE and then I was like... WTF?! Whore!) To pass the time TRAPPED INSIDE I have been super bratty with Chester mostly cuz he sucks and I hate him. I am also making sure to jump up on Mom with my wet paws until she yells "OFF STELLA OFF" a few times. I also wiped my dirty feets on the bed. Take that, biotch! You make your bed o lies, now sleep in that shit!

Kind Of Almost Okay Mom

Mom told me yesterday that I am gettin' a few days break from my Gentle Leader because she don't want an ugly DENT in my nose for "pictures." I don't really give a flying Chester about da dent but damn, yo, I feels like I just broke outta juvie not havin to wear that gay ass Gentle Leader. I've been showing Mom I don't need that shit anyway but draggin' her ass everywhere we go, launchin myself at cats n birds n anything that moves. If I keep it up maybe I never need it again! The one thing I am kinda nervous about is what she talking about pictures. Last couple years have been real annoying posing for that shit. Plus this year I saw Mom showing Dad some flyer about Dogs and Santa and Dad said, Hell No I'm not taking her to that. But Mom was like, Fine, YOU don't have to whatever! She had that determined look that she gets when she's eating so I'm kinda a scared bitch. I just hope my Mom knows better than to think I could handle some f-ing stranger dressed up in a big ass costume touchin me n askin' what I want for Christmas. (In case you is interested, I want the same thing as I asked for last year and didn't get: My own bedroom. Oh and Chester back at North Central. And also a kitten. That's it! JEEZ!)

No Fun Mom

Generally speaking, me n Salchicha don't see eye to eye. For example, the other day he got himself caught in a bush.

But yesterday Mom took me and Mongo to da park and it just so happens that we had the same idea. This is how it went down:

There was this big ole pack of ugly-ass dogs running toward us. So I did a lil jog up the hill to get outta their way n little-brother-I-never-wanted followed me. But while we was up da hill... something caught our eye. And that something was poop.

Around this time Mom was starting to call us back to her. But you know what, dog? That shit be calling my name too!

Chester stuffed his ugly mug with the goods, while I was feeling more like a good roll. (Okay, fine, I took a nibble myself.) Mom's calling was gettin more and more ANNOYING so finally me n Silver Dollar jogged on back.

Mom was NOT happy to smell us coming. She was like, "Are you kidding?!" (Ummm, no.) I'm also pretty sure I heard her call us "assholes" which is mad f-ed up, unless she was talking about Chestool's ginormous butt-hole.

When we got back to the house, Mom dragged us into the bathroom before we could even say hi to Dad and Peluso. And she gave us each a not so gentle bath. What was even more offensive than the bath were the obnoxious notes plus-size Yankee kept slipping under the door asking us to save him the bath water and asking if I took it or left it (a reference to da super retarded classes I used to haveta take for "manners.")

All in all, I learned a valuable lesson: If no fun is your goal, Mom n Chesturd are da perfect pair.

Havin a BALL

Yo fool. Even a rough n tumble street bitch like me needs to unwind sometimes. N while Mom n Dad find comfort in booze and fast food, this ho keeps it real. Kickin back by kickin a ball.

Check it:

White Trashed

Crazy has a name. And that name is STEVE.

Uncle Ano and Aunt Becca's autistic puppy was supposed to stay with us til Saturday.

He left on Wednesday.

Things started off pretty cool. We was playin n wrestlin n shit. N I kinda liked the fact that Steve was like bumping into tables n walls like he didn't even notice.

Me n Steve even went to Elysian together with Mom so that was cool -- especially since Chester had to stay home. SUCKER!

But things went downhill. While Mom was out picking Dad up, Steve ate the bedskirt. Then, while I was eating my DINNER that honky stuck his stupid pink nose in my bowl. Man, I laid the smack down on his ass. Dad said, He's just a puppy, Stella! But Mom took my side.

But later, Mom was gonna stuff her wide gaping mouth with food and I seen Steve walk over to where she was at n I was like "BACK THE F OFF, GRINGO!" And Mom didn't take my side.

So that night Mom put Steve in da crate but whitey wasn't havin' none of that. Even though he'd been passed out for hours before, he wouldn't chillax. So Mom made Dad push the crate into the hall. And then the bar holding all Mom n Dad's clothes fell down. And Mom was pissed. And Steve was still freakin out in the crate. So then Mom made Dad carry the crate to the kitchen cuz of course it's all about making Mom comfortable. And Dad was like, He's gonna keep up the neighbors and Mom was like, Just close the windows.

But then Dad was worried and we could still hear Steve crying and Dad felt bad. Mom said, Let him cry it out! But Dad won for once. So then they let him out and then he peed all over the floor.... and my bed. That's right, bitches. This is the second time MY BED has gotten jacked up by some visiting punk. (The first time bein' when fat camp Yankee had a 'rrhea disaster.)

Mom n Dad felt really bad about returning Steve to Becca's animal clinic to get boarded there but this was one time that me n short bus agreed on something. Though I think the only reason Chester didn't like Steve is cuz Chester likes being the numero uno dumb ass and Steve was tough competition.