Freakin' Typical.

So for the past, like, two years, one of mom's backseat seatbelt buckles be broken.  Naturally, I could give two shits about it cuz Stella don't use no loser safety harness -- messes up my hair, fool!  But ob-vosly I heard fat mouth mom being real annoyin' about the seats whenever there was extra peeps in the car.  She was all, Oh, you gotta sit behind me cuz the other seat don't work blah blah where's my soda blah blah.  Sometime she just leave it at that n I be like, aight, whatever, let's just go to Griffith JEEZ.  But other times, mom would keep on talking n she be like, Yeah, the dogs broke it.  UH, WHAT?  Or even more oftener she be like, Stella broke it from walking on it and gettin' her fur stuck in it.

UMMMM, Imma be ready to walk all over yo face for talkin' shit 'bout my ass!

Anyways, last week mom finally decides to do somethin' bout da broken belt 'n so she call up da dealership n tell these fools 'bout me 'pposedly breakin' her stupid seat.  N the dealership folks says, Yeah, that shit would cost bout around 200 dollars.  ('N Mom gives me a dirty ass look like the kinda look she give dad when he cuts a big ole butt burp and says What am I sposed to hold it in n get a stomach ache!?.)  But da dealership folks wasn't done.  They also said Yo, bitch.  You got a freakin' recall out for yo car!  N Mom was like, Oh.  Cuz like all these notices had come to da house but mom had thrown em away cuz she gets all crazy about clutter 'n throws away mostly Dad's stuff but sometimes other stuff too. 

And then Mom says, Well, uh, I guess I better take in the car n shit.  But I ain't payin' for no seatbelt cuz I suck 'n I don't have 200 to spend on nothin' 'cept food and beers 'n gigantic pumpkins.  And the dealership folks was like, Uh, ok.  Well, we can take a look at yo broken ass seatbelt when you finally get yo ass to the dealership to deal with da problem we tole you about like 8 times over the last 2, maybe even 3 years.

So psycho mom told dad  I gotta go to the dealership so you need to go home and walk the dogs and I won't tell you if they pooped this morning they have to go around the block anyway.  And the dealership folks did the recall work AND they fixed her seatbelt.

And the worker guy told Mom, There was cracker crumbs stuck in the buckle.

YUP.  That's what he done said.  Wasn't no fur.  Wasn't broken from my skinnier-than-Mom-been-since-she-was-like-born-pretty-much ass walkin' on the seat.  Nope, it was cracker crumbs.  'N take one freakin' guess who DON'T eat no crackers?  THIS BITCH. 

Freakin' typical. 

Dis Piggy Made Her House Outta MOM YOU SUCK

I turned six earlier dis year.  Which mean I'm basically a grown-ass woman n shit.  So, like, this Halloween I was thinking, hey, like no need to be all crazy or nothing.  I could go for jus' stayin' in, makin' fun of Chester, maybe tryin' to attack some little kids who is stupid enough to come up to our door.  But freakin' Mom had other plans.  Thas' right, holmes.  Once AGAIN, this bitch got brutalized on a holiday. 

Halloween 2011

Now, I don't gotta think back real far to remember some bad dress-up moves on Mom's part. 

Christmas 2010

 But this piggy costume was honestly worse than that freakin' Mrs. Claus vomit rag.  Not to freakin' mention, if anyone is a piggy in dis family, the (only) person it ain't is me!  (Mom says I got a good metabolism.  I says that's true if by good metabolism she mean that I don't eat my bowl, eat a second bowl, and then say I need somethin' sweet.  Just sayin'.)

Anyways, this lil piggy wasn't gonna eat Mom's crazy this time, so man, dude, I was gettin' outta that costume like Dad gets outta doing the dishes.  At one point Mom had it knotted, safety-pinned and shit if I didn't run past her big ass (oh, your ass wasn't stuffed?  weird) a few minutes later with that pig cloth flappin' behind me like a scarf.  Holla!  Can't keep this bitch down!  Mom kept sayin', Just one night, Stella.  I know, I know.  But know what?  It ain't just one night, honky!  And if you really knowed, you wouldn't keep playin' me like this! 

Jeez.  Halloween 2011 was maybe as bad as Halloween 2009 when freakin Yankee lived at our house for 4 days AND took a giant poo on the front steps that all the party guests stepped in. 

But Halloween wasn't ovah after the "party" on Saturday night.  On Monday Mom got home and then called Dad all like, Hey where is the dog's Halloween shirts?  Even though she hadn't actually looked at all.  And Dad didn't know and asked if she had looked and she said yes of course.  Then she got off da phone 'n actually looked.  And she found 'em.  Mom called Dad back 'n said she was takin' us trick-or-treatin'.  Dad said, Really?  And Mom said yes.  But the only treats either of us got was butt-breath Molester Chester eatin' some weeks-old Dorito crumbs off da sidewalk.

I Hate Mom 2011

Peace out.