Oh my freaking God. "THE WORLD'S WORST DOG"? Yo, I'm no scientist but where's my empiricals. FO REAL, bitch? What the heck this dog do that was so bad? I waited the whole movie for something to sink my teeth into, so to speak.
So he chewed up some shit. Pulease. In less than 3 years time I've eaten:
- a couch
- several pillows
- a room-size carpet (and the pad underneath)
- a brand-new king-size bed
- roberta's shoes
- ari's book
- mota's knitting
- mom's binders
- dad's slippers
- dad's wallet
- dad's replacement wallet
- dad's writing notebooks that he'd had since he was 14
- more of dad's shit
- dad's garden
So fat cow Marley pulled a chair across a restaurant. Mom only took me to a bar once (Cat and Fiddle -- there was her first mistake, taking me to a bar named after my favorite prey.) Anyways, I noblely protected* mom from the waitress and any patron that walked by... until the manager asked us to leave.
So Marley dropped a shadoobie at the Dog Beach. After Mom and Dad drove 45 miles to the only dog beach around -- Huntington -- within minutes I spotted a rogue surfer and lept forward to tell him to STEP OFF, YO. When fended off by his surfboard, I gave the board of piece of my mind. And my teeth. When the surfer threatened to call Animal Services (what a pussy, right?) Mom and Dad grabbed me, rather roughly I might add, and dragged me to the car to drive all the way home.
Anyway, it should come as no surprise that despite this being THE WORLD'S WORST MOVIE, Mom got all weepy at the end - RIP, Marley, you F-ing CHUMP! - and made all of us come sit with her on the couch. (Dad had the right idea in choosing to pass on the movie in favor of drinking by himself on the patio.)
So here we are right after the movie ended. Mom told us she loved us and I told Marcello to get his ass outta my face.
Stella, did your mom read the book? B/c Marley was a crazy mess in the book. And it's a sobfest at the end.
ReplyDeleteDear Sweet Cholo,
ReplyDeleteWhile I find your taste in dog friends to be sub par, I think you are spot on in your assessment of that overrated hack, Marley. For my next visit I have recommended some of my favorite movies for our enjoyment. Please add to your netflix list:
10. Fried Green Tomatoes (the only acceptable way to prepare tomatoes)
9. Mystic Pizza (indeed)
8. Charlie and the Chocalate Factory (I get sick just imagining such a scenario)
7. Chocalat (Johnny Depp gives a quite strong performance)
6. Big Fish (includes Cat Fish and Trouser)
5. American Pie (the whole series is delicious)
4. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! (i can't think of anything scarier, a horror classic)
3. Tortilla Soup (i love Mexican)
2. Ratatouille (never has a movie displayed such an array of wonderfully prepared cuisine, the only reason it is not my number 1 is because all the food is prepared by a Marcello-like creature.
1. MEATBALLS! (need I say more)
ENJOY!
aunt kari: yeah mom read Marley, too. after she finished she told me, "If Marley was the worst dog ever, id hate to see what they'd call YOU, Stell." WHATEVER THAT MEANS!!!
ReplyDeleteyankee: i am a bit of a freakin expert when it comes to movies. over the past few years, I've eaten The Player, Tootsie, Tsotsi, and the cases of several other dvds. however, i am not a fan of cinema, especially The Player. (I cut my mouth on it and got a nasty infection.)