Things I have Eaten This Week

in addition to my regular lamb and rice small bites Purina, I've enjoyed: 1) Dingo bites (2 1/2 of them. 2 of mine and 1/2 of marcello's) 2) Chicken strips (several, even though I resent all the tricks I had to do when salchicha Chester and bite-size Marcello got theirs for "sit." I mean, seriously?) 3) Pistaccios (as many as I could F up before dad woke up) 4) Hot Fudge Sundae from McDonalds minus the Hot Fudge (a few bites -- mom's a SUCKA, yo) 5) Snow Monkey 6) Chester's face 7) Chester's neck 8) Chester's legs 9) Jennie O Turkey Sausage links (tastier than mauling Chester but not as satisfying) 10) Ass (my own; there's always room!)

Where's my F-ing Chocolate?

Yo so this year I gave my mom and my dad Valentines Day cards. Dad's card said, "3 Years, dude! I love you now! Love, Stella." The "3 years" part refers to how back when I got my ass kicked by that gang banger german shepard, Dad was so happy I was okay he said I could get in as much trouble as I want for three whole years. Since then I have brought this shit up a lot, especially the other week when there was a raccoon and in order to scare it away I was forced to trample dad's garden. Thoroughly. I gave my mom a card with a cat on the front. I x-ed out the cat's eyes and wrote "I HATE CATS! Love, Stella." I think she liked it a lot. At least they were better than the cards Chester got for our parents. He gave mom a card that said "Go Dodgers!" and for dad he wrote "Happy Father's Day!" What I was a little annoyed about was that after all the hard work I put into my cards, all I got was a little rawhide/meat bone called a "dingo bite." Dingo this, bitches! To punish mom for her lame-ass Valentine's contribution I was a total ho at the park.

Unsung Hero

Yesterday me and mom and ass-face chester were planning to go for a big awesome hike with enjoli and oscar and tux, a dog who is kind of cool despite his stupid name.

Anyways, we were all out, headin' to mom's car when that putz tux dropped a deuce. enjoli, in a rare moment of generosity, decided to pick it up instead of leaving it for the enjoyment of the community like she usually does. And mom was so surprised that she offered to hold onto tuxes leash while enjoli squatted for the turd.

But what mom didn't know is that when she took tux she weakened her gringa grasp on my leash and what she also didn't know was that a motorcycle was speeding down Glendale Blvd...

And what many of YOU dont know is that i am a vigil-fucking-ante. I protect my mom and other bitches like dad from any shit that might go down. And i could tell by the revving of this mf's engine that whoever was driving that motorcycle needed a SMACK DOWN.

So when that renegade motorcycle whipped by our little gang I lept the freak into action. And I chased that little bitch INTO GLENDALE BOULEVARD.

And yo, I was a fast little ho! My chola ass was pacing that latin king IN TRAFFIC real nice! Until I started hearing mom yelling STELLA STELLA STELLA STELLA. It was like a broken record but worse cuz it kept getting louder and more frantic and her fat ass was huffing down the sidewalk waking up all my homies on the block. mom made me look the fool, yo.

So i ran over to enjoli instead. And when mom finally got back to us she grabbed me really tight and said, STELLA in a way that was not very nice. And then she dragged me back to the house and said STELLA CRATE and dad was like, "What's going on I thought you were going to the park" and that didn't seem to make mom happy cuz she was like, "Well Stella's not going!" and she stomped away all stupid. And dad was like, "What happened?" and mom was like, "I don't want to talk about it!" and dad was like, "Why are you mad at me??" and mom was like, "I don't want to talk about it!!!" and I would have been happy to talk about how i had just saved mom and my moron brother plus enjoli and oscar and some other dog with a stupid name, but nobody asked me.