"Gentle Leader" My Furry Ass

Today mom took me and chester and oscar on a walk with Hillary and Chris. Mom said I could go off-leash but that I only had one strike (but I've learned with mom one strike means at least four or five because mom is a SUCKER).

There were a lot of bicyclists on the trail and for the first hour I was freaking awesome. Anytime a bike went by I was just like, bike, whateve.

There is a little bit of debate about the second hour. I wont get into mom's opinion because this isn't her freaking blog but let's just say I got the distinct feeling she was not happy with her only beautiful daughter and soon enough i was back in the gentle leader.

For those of you not familiar with the "gentle leader" it is a torture device used by tyrants which explains why mom likes it. For your further edification, I am posting a picture of a retarded canine who doesn't seem to realize how bad his life is.

My Mom is a Tyrant with Weapons of Mass Destruction

When mom first adopted me things were great. It was just me and her, chillin' all day, sleeping in our big bed. Just us. Not only that but I got to do whatever I wanted. Like, mom would give me food and I'd be like, MORE FOOD MOM and she'd be like, Okay! And we would go for walks and I would be like, STAY AWAY FROM ME AND MY MOM CRAZY GUY IN A METAL CHAIR and mom would be like, stella, calm down. which sounded to me like, good girl, i was very afraid but now im not because I love you. And then dad came along and that was cool too because then two people were doing whatever I wanted so it was like twice as much. (dad says he used to tell me to stop barking but it was like, "hey stella please come off the balcony" and i was like TALK TO MY MOM and then he was like, nevermind.) But paradise came to an end when mom and dad decided to take me to school. That's when I met Lezle. And Lezle was really scary and she said things like KNOCK IT OFF (to me) and SHOW HER WHO'S BOSS (to mom and dad). and I couldn't believe it that mom and dad listened to her instead of me!!! who the heck is this bitch? And the worst part of it is THE WATER BOTTLE. Everytime someone comes to the door or walks into the neighbors house and I politely ask WHO THE FUCK IS THERE GET AWAY FROM ME FUCK YOU! mom or dad grabs the water bottle and sprays me in the face. The main reason I am writing about this today is because I have spent most of the day WET and it's not fair because I am trying to protect my family (even that tard-face Chester) from evil things like neighbors and mailmen and squirrels.

Why Chester is Retarded and Everyone Should Hate Him

So yesterday mom says, Hey stella, let's go Elysian and I was like "FUCK YES." But then mom was like, "Hey babe (that's what she calls dad when he isn't in trouble for something stupid), want to come with us?" and Dad was like, NO. But then mom gave him a look like, Do you want to rethink that and then he said OKAY. And I thought it was just gonna be me and mom and dad which would have been AWESOME but then dad goes, "Let's take Chester, too." And I started screaming really loud but mom didn't hear because she was bothering dad about needing to leave right away and it's gonna get dark and blah blah blah. So we go to Elysian and me and Chester went off-leash and I jumped like 50 feet in the air and ran up a cliff IMMEDIATELY. And idiot Chester followed me. But then when mom called I came and ran to her but Chester didn't. And mom and dad kept calling for him and he didn't come. And then they TURNED AROUND and walked back (which they have, like, NEVER had to do for me). And mom could see Chester up on the cliff eating something and she was really mad and telling him to come RIGHT NOW and dad was like, "This is why I don't come to the park!" and mom was like, "SHUT UP, josh (because he was in trouble)" but STILL that re-re Chester didn't come. And finally mom had to go up the cliff (seeing this made me sure I did not get my agility and grace from her because she has none). Then mom dragged Chester away from what he was eating. And what he was eating was SHIT. And this is why Chester is retarded and everyone should hate him.

A Little Context for this Blog

I'm Stella and this is my crazy-ass family.