No Fun Mom

Generally speaking, me n Salchicha don't see eye to eye. For example, the other day he got himself caught in a bush.

But yesterday Mom took me and Mongo to da park and it just so happens that we had the same idea. This is how it went down:

There was this big ole pack of ugly-ass dogs running toward us. So I did a lil jog up the hill to get outta their way n little-brother-I-never-wanted followed me. But while we was up da hill... something caught our eye. And that something was poop.

Around this time Mom was starting to call us back to her. But you know what, dog? That shit be calling my name too!

Chester stuffed his ugly mug with the goods, while I was feeling more like a good roll. (Okay, fine, I took a nibble myself.) Mom's calling was gettin more and more ANNOYING so finally me n Silver Dollar jogged on back.

Mom was NOT happy to smell us coming. She was like, "Are you kidding?!" (Ummm, no.) I'm also pretty sure I heard her call us "assholes" which is mad f-ed up, unless she was talking about Chestool's ginormous butt-hole.

When we got back to the house, Mom dragged us into the bathroom before we could even say hi to Dad and Peluso. And she gave us each a not so gentle bath. What was even more offensive than the bath were the obnoxious notes plus-size Yankee kept slipping under the door asking us to save him the bath water and asking if I took it or left it (a reference to da super retarded classes I used to haveta take for "manners.")

All in all, I learned a valuable lesson: If no fun is your goal, Mom n Chesturd are da perfect pair.

Havin a BALL

Yo fool. Even a rough n tumble street bitch like me needs to unwind sometimes. N while Mom n Dad find comfort in booze and fast food, this ho keeps it real. Kickin back by kickin a ball.

Check it:

White Trashed

Crazy has a name. And that name is STEVE.

Uncle Ano and Aunt Becca's autistic puppy was supposed to stay with us til Saturday.

He left on Wednesday.

Things started off pretty cool. We was playin n wrestlin n shit. N I kinda liked the fact that Steve was like bumping into tables n walls like he didn't even notice.

Me n Steve even went to Elysian together with Mom so that was cool -- especially since Chester had to stay home. SUCKER!

But things went downhill. While Mom was out picking Dad up, Steve ate the bedskirt. Then, while I was eating my DINNER that honky stuck his stupid pink nose in my bowl. Man, I laid the smack down on his ass. Dad said, He's just a puppy, Stella! But Mom took my side.

But later, Mom was gonna stuff her wide gaping mouth with food and I seen Steve walk over to where she was at n I was like "BACK THE F OFF, GRINGO!" And Mom didn't take my side.

So that night Mom put Steve in da crate but whitey wasn't havin' none of that. Even though he'd been passed out for hours before, he wouldn't chillax. So Mom made Dad push the crate into the hall. And then the bar holding all Mom n Dad's clothes fell down. And Mom was pissed. And Steve was still freakin out in the crate. So then Mom made Dad carry the crate to the kitchen cuz of course it's all about making Mom comfortable. And Dad was like, He's gonna keep up the neighbors and Mom was like, Just close the windows.

But then Dad was worried and we could still hear Steve crying and Dad felt bad. Mom said, Let him cry it out! But Dad won for once. So then they let him out and then he peed all over the floor.... and my bed. That's right, bitches. This is the second time MY BED has gotten jacked up by some visiting punk. (The first time bein' when fat camp Yankee had a 'rrhea disaster.)

Mom n Dad felt really bad about returning Steve to Becca's animal clinic to get boarded there but this was one time that me n short bus agreed on something. Though I think the only reason Chester didn't like Steve is cuz Chester likes being the numero uno dumb ass and Steve was tough competition.