Dia de Padre

So last year me n Chester totally forgot Father's Day. (I blame Mom. And Chester's mental retardation. And Dad's major suckage as a dad.) Regardless of our valid excuses, all freakin year Dad reminded us about our memory lapse. So this year we got Dad some cards so he'd stop complaining like a bitch.

After Mom and Dad spent the day ignoring us because they were hungover and lazy and then they went to see Drag Me to Hell (which is basically my LIFE!) then Dad felt bad so he read each of us a story.

My Mom is Prejudiced Against Mexicans!!!

Okay, fine, I'm not talking about Mexican people, but my Mom has been really unfair to me lately and I think it's because I'm a chola. It all started a few days ago when me n Mom went to da park. I was running like a gansta like I do and eventhough I'm usually a sure-footed mo fo I guess I slipped on something (No, not Chester, though that spazz attack does get in my freakin' way a lot JEEZ!). Anyways, my front foot was hurtin' and Mom was like, Stell, what's wrong, did you hurt your little foot? And I was like NO WAY BITCH YOU BE FRONTIN' and just to prove that I was freakin fine I went and played with some brindle-face bitch named "Sierra." But then my foot hurt a lot and Mom was like, Stell, oh no! You're limping. And I was like, F-dat, ese, it be my pimp walk. But then Mom called Dad to pick us up at the park and he was crabby because she interrupted his third nap. But he came and it was kinda nice to not have to walk home. And for a few days Mom kept giving me peanut butter that I'm pretty sure that shit was laced with something! (Ever heard of the show Weeds where the mom deals drugs???) But what's really F-ed up is that Chester went out with Mom the next day and came back smelling like ELYSIAN PARK. God I kicked that boy's ass so bad for that shit. And now my foot feels freakin fine but Mom says I have to wait til the weekend to hike and meanwhile she took Chester to GRIFFITH today. Freakin' GRIFFITH. My favorite park in the world!!! White man really got me down today. Hit me up, yo. Lemme know I'm not alone.

My Dad is so F-ing Lazy it Makes me Want to Attack Chester's Face

So this Sunday cry-baby Dad had to get up at 4:45 to work from 5:30-11:30... Unsurprisingly, Dad spent the rest of the day sleeping like a chump. And slower-than-Corky Chester must have thought the lump of dad on the couch was his new bed.

I had mixed feelings about this cuz part of me thinks, Good, fool! Stay the freak away from MY BED. But part of me is really not cool with Chester being all snuggly n shit with MY DAD.

And I would just like to remind my lazy ass dad that I frequently hike over 5 miles a day. Plus, back on Edgeware I would stay up late with dad til, like, 3AM then at 5AM Christa would take me for a run and then Mom would take me for a hike at 8. And you never heard my ass complain!

Personally, I think Dad was just avoiding hanging out with Mom all day who kept bothering him about maybe seeing a movie and what do you want for dinner and I think we need more mayo because I'm a pig and I eat mayo all day and blah blah blah blah.

The Happiest Place on Earth????

According to the numerous commercials which Mom and Dad see all day long while they sit on their asses watching Prison and Crime shows, Disneyland is the happiest place on earth. F THAT, HOMIE! Disneyland sucks ass.

So I guess Disneyland was doing some "free on your birthday" promotion that Mom and Dad just had to cash in on because they are freaking cheap. (.59 cent tacos, eating the expired Starbucks food... need I say more?) So on Dad's birthday, June 4, all of us got rounded up so that Dad could have his gay-ass Disneyland Birthday.

When we first got into the car, I figured we were going to the park.

But then I figured out we weren't.

Meanwhile, Chester and Marcello comforted each other like the homos they are.

So, while me and Chester and Marcello had to SHARE A CRATE in the stupid hotel room with a marathon of the Gilmore Girls playing on the TV (KILL ME NOW, MUTHA FUCKA!) Mom and Dad were out having the time of their freaking lives. They even got to meet my idol, Pluto.

Dad looked for Nemo. (I woulda found him. And killed him.)

Everything's a small world compared to Mom's ginormous head.

And Mom even convinced wussy Dad to ride Space Mountain with her dumb-ass self. Look at her smile. I'm pretty sure she just shit herself with happiness.

At the end of the worst day of my life (after Gilmore Girls it switched to iCarly. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???) Mom and Dad returned with a present for me. Yeah. Thanks a whole freaking lot. Just what I wanted.

Assholes.